Was a weird day. In no particular order… I woke up three times to the sound of a right hand violently rearranging the skin on the cock it shared a body with. He didn’t wake me up to ask me to participate. I wondered why. I didn’t let him know that I was awake to wonder. Each of the three times he went to the bathroom afterwards and stayed for what felt like 45 minutes. I could do a lot […]
Categories: stories, sugar • Tags: boxwood, sex, sugar baby, sugar daddy
Today I lost the Jason I used to have. The Jason I used to have would text me several times a day to see how my day was going. The Jason I used to have would get upset with me for countless reasons: leaving his apartment for mine when we were upset, joking about cancer, crying like a kitten to see if the cat he was watching would react, being dishonest about who I was talking to, and giving him […]
Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: breakup, love, Oakland, therapy
Most people speak when they’re on a video call. We were an exception. We stared at each other. We mimed. I made one silly face and as a symptom of him stifling his laughter, he farted. We waited, wide-eyed and quiet. Would his son wake up? I was video calling a father who was sleeping in his son’s bed…while his son was in it, sleeping. I was video calling a husband who was days away from finding out he would […]
Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: friendship, limbo, love, relationships
I spent the morning writing vows and drawing frogs and lily pads. I spent the afternoon plant shopping. I found a plant the same age as our friendship, with lily pad-esque leaves. I delivered the drawing, vows, and plant unannounced. The unannounced part was not well received. I immediately left. I never got a chance to tell him the many symbolic meanings frogs have been assigned throughout ancient history. I never got a chance to tell him the plant is […]
Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: breakup, death, rebirth, transition
I stare at you because you amaze me. Most of the time there’s no expression on my face because I’m deep in wonder…wondering where you came from, wondering what’s going on in your mind, wondering why we do what we do to each other. Now that I know I stare, I’ve been shifting my glance and/or smiling if I do want to stare, as requested. Both shifting my glance and/or smiling breaks my train of thought. I’m not sure I […]
Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: feelings, life, love, love letter, questions, relationships, thoughts
since I’ve posted anything here. Life has been different. I’m not dating multiple people. I’m not having sex in exchange for writing material and car payments. I’m not thinking about just myself. I’ve been in love and completely preoccupied with changing to make the love easier. Because it’s been HARD — insanely hard — something’s not right hard — why are you doing this? hard — and I’m still here — WE’RE still here — you’re kinda still here… & […]
Categories: Uncategorized • Tags: love, therapy, twin flames
We were flying from Alameda to Los Angeles in a plane that was designed more like a long conference room. I knew one person on the flight (Jonah) and had made acquaintanceship with two of his friends earlier in the day on a group outing at a museum of miniatures. Jonah and his friends sat together at an upholstered booth around a game table. I was several rows behind surrounded by famous, imaginary rappers. I had a good view of […]
Categories: slumber • Tags: airplane, Alameda, dreams, los angeles, rappers
the bar at the St. Regis in San Francisco at 2 pm It’s empty. It’s posh. The food is great. The drinks are handsome. There’s service. And there’s not a soul sitting next to you eavesdropping when your date leans in close to say, “So here’s the thing….I’m kinky.” Several weeks ago I had a first meeting at a Starbucks off a busy freeway exit. It was packed. We were surrounded by ear budded bodies typing away on their lap […]
Categories: sugar • Tags: first date, kink, san francisco, St. Regis, Starbucks, sugar baby, sugar daddy, sugar dating, sugar relationship
She showed me the phone. “Tell her the Moon is saying goodnight for the last time. She’ll know what it means. ;)” Jason looked at me. He saw my face go white and put his hand on my thigh to console me. After we dropped her off we talked about finding dead bodies and witnessing car wrecks, fragility, and what driving around at 3am three nights a week because you can’t sleep does to your spirit. “I’m going to cry….is […]
Categories: secrets • Tags: goodnight, heartache, love, Moon, relationships
Jason’s gotten into the habit of reading through my text conversations with boys. He reads them likes school literature: critiquing them afterwards, probing for background, eager (and reluctant) to inquire about future character development. I hate it and I’ve gotten used to it. The invasion of privacy makes me feel like I’m cared for…in a rehab kind of way. Someone who knows me well and knows where I’ve been, sees me going down a path that could lead somewhere not so great, […]
Categories: secrets, Uncategorized • Tags: ghosts, love, relationships
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