since I’ve posted anything here. Life has been different. I’m not dating multiple people. I’m not having sex in exchange for writing material and car payments. I’m not thinking about just myself. I’ve been in love and completely preoccupied with changing to make the love easier.

Because it’s been HARD — insanely hard — something’s not right hard — why are you doing this? hard — and I’m still here — WE’RE still here — you’re kinda still here…

& tonight people in a video told a one person audience it’s going to get worse before it gets better and I cried. They said it in a way I had never heard before. They said it in a way that made me realize we’re already doing it: we’ve been getting worse and we’re getting better; we’re deconstructing ourselves to make room for the construction.

“…if you come in one mood, and leave in another mood, and then there’s a little more disruption at home, that’s therapy taking place because we’re not letting you bury those problems, bury your head in the sand…”

I come to you in one mood and almost always want to leave in another mood, and you don’t let me. You shine a light on my patterns and force me to change course. I do the same for you. It’s painful, not in the least bit fun, and it’s working. We refuse to let each other be the way we’ve always been.

I’m thinking about sitting on your bed and talking to you in a calm way when we were stressed last week. I had no desire to leave at the time I was talking to you. I wanted to be close and get through it together — something you used to have to practically hold me down to do.

I’m thinking about the two times (only minutes apart unfortunately) where you checked in with me to see if I was listening. You saw an opportunity where I could improve and took immediate action in a way that was helpful and easy to respond to. Because of your willingness to help, I was able to share two simple moments with you. That didn’t used to happen. I have missed out on many brief moments in your life simply because I didn’t even know I was missing them. What a difference it made to have you check in to see if I was there with you first.

I’m thinking about you still wanting to kiss me even after I’ve upset you. Still turning towards me and holding me when you’re completely exhausted — things I used to cry myself to sleep over when you were unable to give them. Now you can.

I’m thinking about being able to laugh with you one day. Being the person you want to introduce to the other people who make you laugh. Being someone who can be in your life now and not an introduction for later.

Tonight, I am thinking about the future. Something I rarely do and something I want to do. I like the way it looks.