In preparation for what seems to be a future life of bareback bitch-dom, I’m going here this morning to get tested for STIs: http://www.berkeleyfreeclinic.org/

Blood tests have a tendency to make me feel faint and/or make me pass out, so I’m dedicating this am to sugar, water packed fruits, and oj.

I also wanted to reminisce on all the times I’ve had…or have almost had…unprotected sex, to help me stay focused during this blood withdrawal.

1) BUBS

Bubs is my current main squeeze (he gets it for free) and will always be in my life in some way, shape, or form. We’ve been lots of things and he’s a forever friend. I love him dearly…but the first time we were getting our hanky panky on (some 14 years ago) he was about to go in there without any type of look, safe word, or conversation about safe sex. We’re the same age and have been trained since junior high to saran wrap our cucumbers and roast beef sandwiches so I was incredibly disappointed. I stopped him a second before entry, asked, “What the fuck, dude?” but in a more romantic way, and put things to a halt (neither of us were prepared). We ended up giving each other oral or maybe we stared at the ceiling and cried. Who can remember? It was 14 years ago.

2) ND

A baby boomer who practiced safe sex! I want to reminisce about this simply because of the unique place he holds in my world. Not only did he bring a condom the first time we met up in that motel, but I sat on the bed ready and waiting (I had wanted him for months) and he stayed away from me until he finished his beer. He was incredibly nervous and kept on telling me I didn’t have to do anything if I didn’t want to. Uh…hey 51 year old, you have a 21 year old who actually wants you! TAKE IT. After lots of coercing, he did, and I was so happy that the safe sex was completely voluntary. Good on you, ND. I love you and am so happy that, 10 years later, you remain in my life today.

3) JM

Half on, half off. We started off unhealthy then got healthy for the finish. First time I met the stereotypical “Jewish mother.” First time a guy got super pissed at me and cut me out of his life. Still think about it today. Poop.

4) ZM

By far the GREATEST SEXUAL EXPERIENCES I’VE EVER HAD. The stories are so good they’re not even on this thing. They are for me and me alone (and my two best friends who can handle my “true” language). We’ve only slept together three times…weep…weep…and one of those was raw. We weren’t prepared, had the conversation, trusted each other, and skipped to town. I think we would’ve ran if we had protection. Here’s a technique I like for those in open relationships (I don’t practice this but he did): No penetration with other partners, but everything else is ok. Him and his partner were VERY ACTIVE, so I could see that being a smart boundary to have. Me, not so much. I’m loyal to my side jobs.

5) !*

My longest running side job ever……oh my gosh. I didn’t know I was capable of hanging around someone for so long. It’s ‘cuz it’s more than just sex…for me, anyway. The very first time there was a blip of a conversation, and a condom, and then they didn’t show up again ’til like a year later. Did he ask out of courtesy? Maybe. Can you tell if someone’s vagina is healthy after the first time you enter them? Don’t know.

When they did show up again they would only stay on for half of the session. What’s the point of that? Ah, well. I think knowledge and trust base a lot of these safe sex decisions and we know and trust each other. You also reach a point where you’re like….I’ve made it this far and have slept with how many people unsheathed? What’s one more? (Well, that’s what he probably thinks. My numbers aren’t nearly as high.)

6) Mr. Rich

That was the shower sex and the whole “We’re in the shower, OF COURSE I’m clean” thing. No need to elaborate. He’s a baby boomer and wasn’t raised that way. I’m fine using that as a reason…er….excuse. His penis was made in heaven but lasts a whole of 60 seconds. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. It’s so weird how his penis works. I asked him if it was made in Japan.  Anyway — allowed.

7) Mr. Divorcee

That whole baby boomer thing again. His penis was not made in heaven…well, actually it was because whatever imperfection the Japanese God shaved off of Mr. Rich’s penis became Mr. Divorcee’s penis. So I look at his penis and think, “There’s no way it’s capable of spreading anything…it can’t even spread.”

Sad Times at Ridgemont High

 

Not bad, eh? In the 15 years I’ve been having sex I’ve only slept with 7 people unprotected…which is 66% of the people I’ve slept with total. In that respect, I’m a good girl! With not so good safe sex practices.