and then you get inside of them

 

This month I’ve learned the power of being present. Giving the whole of yourself to someone, even for just a moment, will get you just as much, if not more, in return. Sometimes it’s overwhelming. The empath in me can only handle so much.

I’ve met a number of incredible men (11), men I already love (2), (I use that word with anything that changes me), and have been exposed to so many life stories that I’ve shut down at times because of it.

Listening and being connected isn’t always easy.

I see these men’s insides and ask, “I just met the guy. Why is he telling me so much?”

They say things like, “I can’t have these conversations with anyone”, “You’re perceptive; I knew right away”, “I think your very honesty, cognizance, and beautifully put self expression deserve immediate recognition.”

Wow. That last one was fancy.

I was talking about this with the divorcee since he’s been the most open overall. “I know, right? There’s something about you. How does it make you feel?”

“Good. Like I’m helping people I guess.”

“And how does that make you feel?’

“How does helping people make me feel?”

“Yeah.”

Odd. Who keeps going after a positive response like “helping people”?

“Tired. It’s a lot.”

 

I’m tired because I’m having the most intense and poetic e-mail affair at 3:30 am several days a week, I’m tired because guys are deleting my phone number once they realize they’re one of many and then tell me they can’t stop thinking about me and then come back with a new outlook on life, I’m tired because everyone’s busy (myself included) and getting schedules to coordinate deserves an allowance in itself, I’m tired because people with no money want me and I want them, too, but that’s not why I’m here and it takes forever to talk myself back into my original goals, and I’m tired because I’m me and I need to have multiple things going at all times.

But what energizes me is learning how many stimulating people exist in this world. Everyone has something to learn and everyone has something to teach. I’m addicted to this for that very reason. I told myself I would stop last month and I’m still going because every man brings something exciting and new to the table.

The only thing keeping life “balanced” right now is my need to generate my own income, my need to remain independent and not “completely” bought, otherwise, I would have taken the offer to lounge on a hammock all day on his vineyard and get my thighs massaged.