It doesn’t seem to exist.

(Pure, non-researched opinion based off of recent experiences coming atcha, folks.)

 

When I asked one if he was clean, he responded, “Uh….we’re IN THE SHOWER. Of course I’m clean.” There wasn’t one ounce of sarcasm in his reply.

A couple of days ago when another asked what I was doing this weekend, I told him I was getting tested. He got all cocked puppy dog head on me. “Getting tested…you know…for STDs…” Silence and continued head tilting. I embellished. “Well, they’re called STIs now.” More silence. I finally got an “Oh. Okay.”

He was the student. I was the teacher. And not one thing was registering.

(The next guy I talk about this with I’m going to go straight up VD on him. I’ll just say “I HAVE A VD.”)

 

Condoms. What in the world is a condom?

My developer sugar daddy thinks a condom is a decrepit building begging to be remodeled so he could resell and profit. And he makes millions with condoms! Why would he put his money on his penis when he could put it in the stock market?

After unprotected shower sex one morning with Mr. HGH, we started talking about AIDS. (HGH has been used as a therapy for lean body mass in patients.) This was it! This was my in! Let’s talk about AIDS. I always start off serious topics with humor so I asked, “You didn’t give me AIDS just now, did you?”

“SHHHHH….HUSH!”

And he shoved a granola bar in my mouth.

 

I don’t know how to have the safe sex conversation with a generation that wasn’t drilled with the concept growing up, like the generation I’m a part of. Put me in bed with any Generation X-er, Y-er, or Millennial and we’ll hash out our sexual history corned beef style. Damn, it happens before we even reach the bedroom sometimes. I once had that conversation while making sandwiches with a dude.

With the baby boomers, lunch prep just doesn’t happen.

So I’m basing my safe sex decisions off of trust and gut feelings. “He seems clean. We ARE in the shower…”

Uy yuy yuy. Berkeley Free Clinic, here I come!