“You’re brilliant. I wonder why you even want me.”

***

I tell myself similar things often. I’m surrounded by real people with definitive personalities who stand for things, who are smart, passionate, and creative, and I wonder why they even give me the time of day sometimes. All I talk about is love, hair, not doing drugs, and lingerie. Don’t I get boring?

But as often as I think I’m not worth the time, I’d never share that with anyone.

But he did. We lay on our sides, staring at each other, running our fingers through each other’s hair, tracing each other’s curves, and he told me that he doesn’t know what people see in him sometimes.

“He’s brilliant! He’s the smartest guy I know…he knows the history OF THE WORLD, and he’s been my best friend for 4 years…and all I have are tricks…and he knows all my tricks. He’s seen everything. Why is he still my friend? I don’t have anything else to offer. And you…YOU’RE brilliant! I’m wondering what you’re even doing with me right now. Why does she even want me?”

I didn’t tell him that I thought the same thing when I met him two years ago…but it wasn’t about his brilliance, it was about his body. He was a trophy of a man to have over and under me. To pick up at 1 am and take far into the hills. To get sweaty with underneath the blazing sun and to listen to. His body spouted so many truths I didn’t know what to do with the information sometimes.

I suppose I thought it was going to be a one time thing when I met him. Any kind of repeat was the most far fetched of fantasies, and here we are almost two years and I am a “go to” of sorts…the one he reaches out to when he’s in town, the one he is connected to in “both mind and body” as he puts it.

“There are so many people here who have my attention, but my body and brain aren’t on the same page. You attract all of me.”

“Here” was a circle of beautiful women we were in the middle of. And as sure as I am that he’d still bed every single one of them anyway, if he hasn’t already, he still manages to make me feel special; I guess I do the same for him.