“AHHH!!! You’re not going to do it in front of me, are you? NO!!!! Don’t!”

“What? It’s just a little pin prick. It’s not anything. Look, all you do is rub this on like this, put some of that there, grab here, and….


He had just injected himself with human growth hormone, something he had taught me about only 5 minutes before and writing about is making my body twitch…in good ways.

There are a lot of things he does that I have no interest in doing in my own life, but I love that he wants to do them. He wants to do them because he believes in them — he has conviction — and a man with conviction gets me there.

What kinds of things does he have conviction in?

Juice cleanses. A gluten free diet. HGH injections. Power Plate. Steam showers. Tony Robbins. Sex without a condom without asking about my history or current endeavors. Quality…and finally, Me.

In the whopping two times we’ve met up, hours have already been dedicated to my “potential” and how I’m not meeting it.

It’s hard to convince him that I’ve chosen to be where I am and that I have welcomed my current place in life. He’s having just as hard of a time convincing me to not welcome my current place in life.

“It’ll come. And it’ll be soon. Watch.”

Our last meeting was filled with several small moments where he coached me to success in a caring and fatherly way. That’s what’s refreshing about him in this sugar world. He wants to help you first, and fuck you second.



“This is a $25k machine.”

“$25k?!??!!? Are you kidding? What does it do that makes it worth $25k?”

(Talking numbers hours past his bedtime had him relaying false information. I looked the thing up later on Amazon. Either he meant $2500 or he was ripped off yellow shirt on Hulk hogan’s chest style.)

“It stimulates natural HGH and increases bone density. I don’t really understand the bone density stuff, but here, try it.”

He had me stand on the machine and


What are you supposed to do when someone has a seizure? Cram something in their mouth to prevent them from biting their tongue? Bag of marshmallows stat, please!

I had to contract all the muscles in my face and jaw to prevent them from moving too much. My teeth were about to break through my lip, my canines were going to slice right through my tongue and my brain….my brain was moving so much I hoped to the heavens that my skull felt like working that night.

“How much longer is this going to go on? Am I going to have headache afterwards? Is my mouth bleeding?”

“Just keep your heels planted and your muscles contracted. The dial’s almost finished, see?” I saw one of those animated retracting worm graphics and numbers, but the numbers weren’t registering.

“Oh my god. It stopped. Finally.”

“I usually put it at a 4 because I’m injured. I gave you a 6.”

“I don’t think I could go longer than 30 seconds on that thing! That was crazy.”

“You were on it for 60! See? You just broke your own record!”



“I just wrapped up a five hour nature shoot in Palo Alto. I’m dirty. Can I take a bath when I come over?”

There was no bath. Instead he had the steam shower ready.

“Awww, I can’t do steam. I can barely handle it during a facial. It makes me feel like I’m choking.”

“C’mon. Get in. Just drink your water. You’ll be fine.”

He gave me a bottle of Essentia 9.5 pH.

I got in.

“No. Can’t. I already feel like I’m going to pass out.”

“Are you pushing yourself into my cock for a reason?”

“To distract myself. And to keep my body upright. My face is falling off. I didn’t come prepared for this.”

“Here. Just rinse off your face. You’re doing fine.”

I tried to not inhale too deeply in fear that I’d choke to death. I had the balls to do it once….slowly…and everything became clear and tolerable after that.

“Here, let me run cold water for you. Do you feel better? That feels good right? A little cooler even?”

I made it through keeping my consciousness. As a matter of fact, he got out before I did.



The most poignant moment in our two meeting deep relationship so far:

As we were drifting off to sleep he took my hand and softly circled my fingertips with his own.

“Did you really just ask me for a singing dildo?”

“Yeah. I need lullabies to fall asleep.”

“Where did you come from? You really are a piece of work. It’s not just me, right? You must hear that all the time.”

“I do.”

“Use that brain of yours.”

“I am. I’m using it right now.”

“I know you are…I know you are.”






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