a letter

Something I’ve never been good at is doing things abruptly. Everything requires immense planning and preparation. Removing adhesive bandages off my hairy arms always requires a warm bath, clean towels, and an oversized robe; there is no such thing as just yanking off a Band-Aid.

The same goes with bringing people into my life and letting them go — it’s a process.

Awhile back, when I barely knew Jonah, I had the oddest feeling he was going to politely ask me to exit his life. It took me many nights to be ok with it. As a matter of fact, I almost exited first, the feeling was so strong, but I thankfully came to my senses.

Nonetheless, in preparation for a quiet escape, I took one sheet of journal paper and gathered my thoughts:

What I hope is that you remain a fixture in my life, on any level. You could be a permanent memory starting right now and that suits me just fine.  We click, not necessarily because of our interests or lifestyle, but because we communicate in a similar way. We’re both honest and open and good listeners. We’re inquisitive and searching. We’re living in a time when having someone’s undivided attention is so rare, where sincere interest and concern is this amazing, shining thing. You’re giving me something that I get from so few and it feels wonderful. You make me warm and fuzzy. You inspire me to give and create – all simple and small things, but you inspire and that’s huge for me. I have years’ worth of future gifts pre-made in my head. You make me share things I only share with a few, for the simple reason that you ask. Many don’t even care enough to do that.

What I want is for us to be a fantasy. I want to imagine that I am smart, and beautiful, and interesting enough to keep someone of your caliber curious forever. I want to pretend we’re walking in the darkness of the night, hand in hand, gently laying kisses on each other’s cheeks and foreheads. I want us to be the delicate stuff dreams and whipped cream  are made of. I want us to feel each other’s warmth. I want to see you in the morning and late at night. I want to learn the subtleties that only lovers learn and experience the growth and pain that only two connected souls can survive.

Whatever this becomes, or however this ends, it’s already been an immense and immeasurable pleasure. Thank you for sharing your time and interest. Its importance is silencing.

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